I’ve been stuck in that frustrating cycle more times than I’d like to admit. You go on a first date, the chemistry is electric, and you walk away thinking, “Finally, this is it.” You text your friends, you feel that rush, and everything seems perfect.

Then, a month or two later, the fog clears. You realize you’ve ended up with the exact same person as before, just with a different name and a different face. I used to think I was just a magnet for bad luck, or that "all men are like this."

But eventually, I had to be honest with myself: it wasn’t just luck. It was a pattern in how I was choosing and, more importantly, who I was allowing to stay. Breaking that cycle isn’t about waiting for your luck to change; it’s about changing your "picker." Here is why that pattern keeps repeating and how you can actually shift it.

1. You are choosing familiarity

We often think we are looking for "the spark," but for many of us, that spark is actually just familiarity. This might come from growing up in a home where love had to be earned, or from a past relationship that rewired your expectations.

If you spent years with inconsistency or emotionally unavailability, you might subconsciously seek that out again. Why? Because it feels "normal." A healthy, stable person might actually feel "boring" to you at first because they don’t trigger that familiar anxiety you’ve mistaken for passion.

The Fix: Start noticing if your "spark" feels like genuine excitement or if it feels like a knot in your stomach. Stable love should feel peaceful, not like a roller coaster.

2. You’re Dating "Potential" Instead of Reality

This is the "Fixer" trap. You meet someone and you see the amazing person they could be if they just worked through their issues or found a better job. You fall in love with their potential, but you have to live with their reality.

When you date potential, you’re basically signing up for a project, not a partnership. You end up frustrated because they aren't changing, and they end up resentful because they feel like they aren't enough for you.

The Fix: Look at the person exactly as they are today. If they never changed a single thing, would you still want to be with them? If the answer is no, walk away.

3. Your Vetting Process is Too Late

Many people don’t start "vetting" someone until they are already emotionally invested. Once you’ve caught feelings, it’s incredibly easy to make excuses for red flags or ignore a lack of reliability because you don't want to lose the connection.

If you wait until month three to see if they are reasonable or reliable, you’re already in too deep to be objective.

The Fix: Set your non-negotiables before the first date. Use those early weeks to look for them. If they fail those early, don’t wait for them to "improve."

4. You’re Not Setting Boundaries Early

Sometimes we attract the wrong people because we send the signal that we will tolerate "wrong" behavior. If someone cancels a date last minute and you say, "No worries! Anytime!" instead of expressing that your time is valuable, you are inadvertently inviting people who don't respect you to stay in your life.

The Fix: Healthy people respect boundaries; "wrong" people are offended by them. Testing a boundary early is the fastest way to filter out someone who isn't a good fit.

Breaking the Loop

Breaking a pattern is uncomfortable because it requires you to do something different. It might mean saying "no" to the person who gives you butterflies but ignores your texts, and saying "yes" to the person who is consistent but feels a little "quiet" at first.

The goal isn't to find someone perfect; it's to find someone whose character matches the life you’re trying to build. When you stop accepting breadcrumbs, you finally make room for the full meal.

Meant2Bae for people who understand that wanting a great partner also means being one.